Negotiating at a Dowry Ceremony

The entire week before the village director left for Nairobi for other assignments, we were held up in an SOS family meeting with one of our girls on her future prospects. She informed us of her intention to get married and indicated that there was a man who had proposed to marry her and that she had consented, but needed our blessings.

The next morning I received a call from the Village Director asking me to facilitate in the negotiation on his behalf. He informed me that the elders from the man’s side had sent word that they want to visit and have a meeting with the SOS Family. Because he was held up elsewhere, he was requesting that I stand in his stead. Unsure of exactly what I was going to do and what sort of questions to ask and expect, I put on my suit.

Again I was unsure of the day’s events and got fairly obscure explanations when I asked, so by the time I arrived in Mama Ngudi’s living room I decided I should stop asking questions and just go along with whatever was going to happen.
The entourage comprised 12 members from the man’s family and elders of the extended family. They were met by the SOS family who had also by that time called their group of elders led by the school Principal and another teacher, as part of the negotiation team from the girl’s side. The visitors brought small gifts of dry foods such as rice, wheat, sugar, tea, cooking oil, etc. This is a common practice when one visits any family, and so this is not part of the dowry.

The SOS family house was modest, fairly furnished with large sofa sets. A small radio sat in a large wooden shelf, playing gospel music. I found a comfy space on a couch next to the Principal who was chairing the meeting. Soon it was time to file up and fill our plates with food. After washing our hands in some hot water, then plates in hand, we walked down the row of dishes, having heaps of local favourites piled high on our plates.

After the food and the warm welcome, the elders of the man said something like this. We have an interest in one of your "sheep", and we would like to bring her to our homestead. This is when I got my first inclination that the event was more than just an eating y and familiarization activity. The talking was done only by the elders and it is a taboo for the young man to speak and in doing so, he could seriously jeopardize the negotiations.

In the cause of the negotiation, I learnt that dowry is not about buying the bride from her family. It is a test for compatibility. Compatibility of the two families involved. It proves that the two families can discuss, even argue about an issue and come to a consensus. It also shows to what extent the groom is willing to humble himself before his in-laws and how much he is willing to sacrifice for his love.

Hardly any wedding takes place in Africa with no dowry having been paid. Even church weddings are a culmination of successful dowry negotiations. In fact some churches in Africa will not officiate a wedding if the groom has not paid bride price or the bride’s parents have pending issues.


by Fredrick Ochieng - youth leader coordinator

The 'pilgrimage' of children and youth to their rural homes

The December holidays when children and youth visit their rural homes, resembles a pilgrimage. Pilgrims travel to rekindle their connections to a sacred place and thus to nurture their relationship with the divine. Their journeys bring them, if not to a physical home, then to a “home within”, a restful, familiar, healing place that reminds them of who they are. The sacred site to which they return is connected to their roots.

It is a tradition in our children's village that children and youth visit their rural homes over the December holidays to get to know their people. It is one of those avenues through which we integrate our children to the community. Life for them in the countryside is indeed very interesting.

For those who are used to the life in SOS, you will forgive some (but not most) of them for cringing each time the village director and the mothers make plans for a trip to their homes. It means days on end without running water or proper electricity. It also means no television and plenty of time with old people. Rural home visits remind the children of the connections between them and their relatives. They feel an attachment to the countryside, nurtured by lasting ties to family and friends from whom they learn their language, know their relatives better and most importantly, are able to compare life at home and that of the SOS Children's Village and be motivated to work harder in whatever they do.

Many of our children and youth indeed look forward to this time of the year and are eager to meet their relatives. It is a comforting time to be at home. The journeys themselves are very interesting. The villages that disappear as the bus hurtles past them. Visions of riverbeds flanked by rows of trees. Children chasing passing motorists. Cattle co-existing with people in a way that make them more human than animals. Wheat spread out on the roads so that the passing vehicles could thresh them. Villagers carrying produce and baskets on their backs or heads. The sudden lurch of the bus to avoid hitting a donkey that was not fast enough to avoid its path. The appearance of a familiar sign board that announces their village. The eagerness to get off the bus and walk down the small road that leads to the house.

This 'pilgrimage' is a good practice to prepare our children for community life where water is drawn from a well and people bathe by its side. In community life children learn to share and to know that at times one must lack one thing or the other. In the process of living with the community, they also learn resilience. When they come back their stories are often varied and interesting. But one fact that is clear is that all of them want to visit their relatives during the long holidays in December and remembering it always brings a smile to their faces.

A playing child is a creative child

I grew up near a river and lake in a village with a trickle of a creek down the center that kept me endlessly entertained as I hunted for the frogs, tadpoles, worms and lizards. From these fond memories gone by, I spent this Sunday watching the kids play in the village. The play ground was unusually packed with children playing all manner of games.

It is amazing to see how much time kids spend playing either in the swings, pushing each other round and round, jumping from one monkey bar to another, playing soccer, or communing with cows, birds, insects and more. Nature is truly a laboratory for curiosity. The shortest walk can reveal never-before-seen wonders: live things, dead things, flora and fauna.
Sometimes we tend to moan over the amount of time our children spend playing. Remember when the goal of parenting was to develop a well-rounded child? That concept seems to be getting lost in the hyped-up quest for excellence and achievement that characterizes childhood these days. The demands on our times are great, leaving children with few possibilities for adventures. But we all know the numerous and undeniable benefits of allowing children and youth to play any kind of game they want, from staying physically fit to learning discipline and teamwork. But there are other lessons to learn about in childhood as well, like their relationship to the earth and the living things around them. They soon learn to appreciate what is around them.

The outdoor activities offer children and youth opportunities to learn, inspire them to explore, to wonder, to listen, to dream, to play fantasy games and build forts and sand castles, to dig holes and float sticks down streams and skip rocks across water. In those moments, they can feel powerful in a different way from when we score a point or catch a pass. It is not that it is better, but it’s different. And our children in SOS deserve lots of different experiences. As caregivers, let us not forget the value of getting kids out in the great outdoors. Show them a place where things grow wild, no one is keeping score and they will have memories to last a lifetime. Let us remember that a playful child will always be a creative child.

by Fredrick Ochieng - Youth Leader Coordinator